Fahrenheit to Kelvin

As the fringe elements of the crypto industry begin to unravel, we are fascinated to see the cognitive dissonance and doubling-down perforating through investors, developers, and cult leaders alike. Where past implosions of the traditional markets usually consisted of Jim Cramer smashing household appliances on daytime TV during brunch, members of the crypto ecosystem have only become more emboldened. They perfectly articulate the raw, vapid energy of someone misquoting scientific data or making a right-hand turn from the left lane. You can't teach want! We decided to pull from the headlines this week like Law & Order: SVU; there is far too much madness to narrow down. We are fortunate to have the diligence to load another bag of buttery popcorn and watch from the rafters.

Do Kwon’s resurrected Luna 2.0 token plunges on debut as investors rush to the exit

Despite Luna's capitulation, South Korean amnesiac, Do Kwon, looks forward to the launch of Luna 2.0 with its respective airdrop calling it “a chance to rise up anew from the ashes." LUNAtics themselves are excited at the opportunity to ride the rollercoaster a second time around, remarking how incredible the journey will be to launch to Earth's other moon. Still no word on LFG's $2.5 billion in Bitcoin that went missing to Gemini. Most people like a sequel, but everyone just can't wait for a trilogy.

NYC battles Miami for 'crypto capital' crown

Cities all over the United States compete to attract the league of cocktail hour jpeg entrepreneurs in an attempt to be gettin' real lucrative with cryptocurrencies. Following the neutering of the Bitcoin Bull, Miami Mayor Suarez was excited about crypto enthusiasts interest in Miami saying his administration wants to "send a message to the world that we are going to be one of the most innovative governments and innovative cities on the planet." At a 1:17 developer to VC ratio, the city has issued an ordinance limiting each VC to 1 motivational speech per day. Developers on the other hand feel no pressure accepting multiple projects at the same time with one individual noting "what are they going to do, learn to code?"

"I'm going to need you to build the Metaverse for the next shareholders meeting... if you could get started this Saturday... that would be great... yea"

Jim Chanos explains what makes this era the 'Golden Age of Fraud'

On the Crypto Critics Corner Podcast hosted by self-proclaimed "anti-coiners," Bennet Tomlin and Cas Piancey (Caspian Sea), discussed with famous short-seller, Jim Chanos, the high octane chicanery that makes up the bulk of cryptocurrencies. Chanos paralleled many coin offering structures to those of Chinese companies listed on Amercian exchanges through VIE's (Virgin Island Experiments). He explained how an American investors' claim on a Chinese company is only a piece of paper in a vault at one of the island banks. The difference between a VIE and a coin offering is that there is no sealed away paper backing the stake to many coins. Chanos noted that instead of Chinese Businessman taking your deposit, most crypto scams are performed by your neighbors kid who is good with the computer.

Solana tumbles as its blockchain network suffers 2nd outage in a month

Solana continues to be dysfunctional, bringing its total outages in 2022 to a bakers dozen. Despite recent criticisms that an attacker can easily sabotage the networks' operation in a 90's style dictionary attack, the Solana development team has posted their intention to launch their main-net from the current beta-net. The Solana Beach that monitors validators shows the seven people who govern the decentralized network (similar to the federal reserve) are still game to take Solana to the next level. Where most technology supporters want to go to the moon and Mars, Solana turns the other cheek and has its eyes set on Venus as a pit stop to the sun.

"You mean to tell me, Solana is controlled by a single computer in Ukraine, and we can halt the network by spamming memes to their server"

Crypto Lender Celsius Partly Responsible for Terra Collapse, Says Nansen

In a proactive display of finger pointing, many critics are taking shots at the crypto lending platform, Celsius, for their exposure and role with the recently collapsed Terra stablecoin. $463 million of ETH owned by Celsius was withdrawn from Terra's own Anchor Platform on May 11th during the depegging that prophets are referring to as the "slappening." In light of the factual on-chain analysis, Celsius has elected to announce their solvency, bragging that they will face no liquidity issues despite consistent malinvestment. The lender has taken it a step further by halting withdraws by users from their platform and advertising $1,000 promotional fees to deposit BTC or ETH into Celsius. Their Celsius token has fallen 90% in the last month with substantial selling pressure from wallets managed by the CEO. We hope we are off base in our assumption for the future of the platform, but it seems unlikely after considering our Solana consensus analysis.

*In all seriousness please reconsider any positions you may or may not have on a centralized crypto lending platform

Mastermind investors on TV discussing crypto, fail to acknowledge the incentive structures that are often the back bone of the networks they support. Bitcoin needs miners, Ethereum 2.0 will need validators, Dogecoin needs 2am tweets from Elon Musk. Where the margin of value is exchanged from the network to the user, one would hope the middleman is not extracting a pound of flesh both at the time of the transaction and on your walk home. Usually if the concept is too abstract to understand, there is something going on underneath the magical money box being sold. If 19.5% and 17% annual returns are guaranteed on Anchor and Celsius respectively, why are bondsmen not fleeing U.S. Treasuries in droves? At a certain point the numbers in the equation transcend reality. While we enjoy being right about proper fundamental investments as well as fraudulent multi-stage scams, it is unfortunate to those who do not know better than the promises they are sold. We take solace in never seeing our investments named in the headline with apocalyptic phrasing.